


Unresolved Emotions

by nintendoo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:21:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24112744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nintendoo/pseuds/nintendoo
Summary: You and Keiji are an on and off relationship.You both are growing tired and weary.Unresolved emotions are the worst kind of emotions.The last time really means the last time.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Reader, Akaashi Keiji/Reader
Kudos: 21





	Unresolved Emotions

**Author's Note:**

> Exes are meant to be exes for a reason.

**unresolved emotions**

"I can't pretend anymore," he started.

"Keiji, you're scaring me," you interjected, "what are you talking about?"

"I'm sorry, Y/N, but you just know that we won't work out anymore," he continued.

You froze in your spot. Your eyebrows slowly gravitated towards each other. You swallowed your pride and tried to continue your conversation.

"Keiji," your voice trailed off. You didn't know what else to say. Your hand reached out to hold his but he immediately pulled his hand away before your fingertips touched him. He flinched subtly, but you saw it clear as day.

You were facing him. He was facing forward, his side towards you, and his head lowered. You knew it would have eventually come to this. Both of you, saying your final words.

"Y/N, we have been on and off for too long now. I'm tired of pretending to have the same feelings I had in the beginning,"

"Keiji, we can talk about this, about us. We can-"

"Y/N, I said, that I am  _ tired _ ," he stopped you. He stressed on every word in his sentence.

You brought your hand to your chest and held it. You straightened your back and gave a curt nod.

"I understand that you still love me, but I don't want to keep your hopes up and have you believe that there will be a future for us," he finished. You could feel a lump forming in your throat and tears welling up in your eyes. You knew that Keiji spoke from his heart, even in tensioned situations. This was one of them.

  
  


You and Keiji had been dating for 9 months prior to your on and off relationship. The first time was you breaking up with him. You needed space and he gladly gave you. You saw him crying in the boys' bathroom later that day. You saw him crouched over with his face buried in his face. His chest heaving with every sob he made. He lifted his head for a brief moment before he could see you scurry away. His eyes filled to the brim with tears. His vision was so cloudy that he couldn't make out the figure running away. He wasn't one to show his emotions so freely, but when it came to you, he wouldn't hesitate to express them to the world. You, on the other hand, handled it pretty well. At least, that's what you tried to convince yourself. You didn't cry, but you were still hurt. You did ask for space, afterall. You clearly remember the first time you spoke to him after the break up. You remember the dull in his eyes and you remember how monotonous his voice sounded. Still, it was like music to your ears. You even craved his touch so badly back then. To the point where you'd sleep in his shirts daily. This being your first real love and relationship, you sure were in denial.

You asked him how he was handling everything. He said he was alright.  _ He missed you achingly.  _ You asked how his grades were. He said he was managing.  _ His grades were dropping.  _ You asked how he was feeling. He said he was lonely but his friends helped him fill the space.  _ He was a wreck. Incomplete. A mess.  _ If anyone was taking the aftermath of the breakup, it was Koutarou. He witnessed his best-friend fall apart. He witnessed his best-friend punch the wall so hard, his knuckles got fractured. He had to hold his best-friend during his hysteria. Koutarou had to break open Keiji's bedroom door and pull him up from the bathtub when Keiji wouldn't respond to his calls. Koutarou saw a new side to Keiji. Koutarou was used to seeing Keiji's calm and collected personality, not this broken and unfixable state. His vulnerable state. It scared the living hell out of him. He knew Keiji loved you but not this much. It even interfered with volleyball games. His sets were sloppy. He would get tired quickly. He would have to be snapped out of a daze by the volleyball hitting his face. His team members knew what he was going through. They let him take his time.

The first talk with Keiji was exhausting. You craved each other so terribly but neither wanted to admit it. It happened on an open field. Both of you were sitting on the grass. Your legs crossed, while his were spread in front of him. He had his hands on the grass behind him for support. Yours were in the little gap between your thighs. The conversation was tense and stuffy. If anyone were to see the sight without any context, they'd say you both look like you had secret crushes on each other. You had hoisted your head to look at him but he was already looking at you. You gave him the smallest smile but he saw it as if the sun shone in his face. Your eyes glimmered and gave him the slightest hope. The hope that maybe, maybe it was meant to be.

"Keiji," you began, still looking into his eyes.

"Yes?" his eyes were so hopeful that it hurt. You saw the way they were screaming for a second chance. You almost pitied the way he was wrapped around your finger. Nevertheless, you loved him.

"Keiji, I was thinking, um" you slowly scooted closer to him. He moved his hand from behind and brought himself to your side.

"Maybe we can give it another shot? Us, I mean. Do you think we can-"

"I'd love to, Y/N," he finished for you. You couldn't contain your grin so you let it spread across your face, from ear to ear. You had the dumbest, toothy smile plastered on your face.

"But of course, I'd have to ask you to be my girlfriend again,"

"Then ask!" you positioned yourself to face him and prepared yourself to hear the heaven-sent words.

"Y/N?"

"Yes, Keiji?" you responded.

"It would make me the happiest guy alive, if you were to be my girlfriend, so," he trailed. He took your hands in his and intertwined his fingers in yours.

"Oh my gosh! Hurry up, Akaashi," you squeezed his hands impatiently. You only used his last name when you were serious.

"Geez, so spicy," he chuckled, "will you be my girlfriend, Y/N?" he finally asked for the second time.

"Yes! Yes!" you squealed a little too loud for ongoing people to look in your direction confused. You laughed whole-heartedly, with your eyes closed. You were, once again, Keiji's girlfriend.  _ Though _ , there was a little sting in Keiji's heart. He brushed it off as being excited. At least his dead fish eyes and nonchalant voice were gone.

That was the first 'getting back together' incident. You and Keiji were happy about it. Except, something felt off. See, even though Keiji had his breakdown during the break up, you were busy finding comfort in other things. No, not being unfaithful, though it wouldn't count as that since you two had already split up. You found comfort in his shirts, his music, his sweaters, his messages, his belongings. You slept in his shirts and cried for hours on end. You kept rereading his messages to you. You listened to your shared music and cried even more. You didn't have anyone to be there like Keiji did. You had to rely on items that were in the past. You kept your sorrow emotions hidden. That was the part you handled well. You did not let anyone see how badly you were hurting. You kept it all hidden. God forbid anyone know what you did in the dark, much less Keiji. Something didn't sit right after you two got back together but neither wanted to address it. 

You two had continued with your relationship easily. But as per usual, every relationship had their bumps in the road.

The second split happened unnecessarily. You had seen him talking to another girl, that you knew had a thing for him. You let your irrationality get the best of you. You called it quits on the spot. He was baffled and tried to explain that you had the wrong idea. Boy was so heartbroken again, but not to the same effect. He was so confused at your outburst that he was stumbling on his words, which made the situation worse. The way your glaring eyes bore into his made him step back. He folded his arms and pursed his lips. He bit down on his tongue and let you release the unresolved emotions you had in your heart. He felt his heart breaking with every word that left your mouth. If someone asked, he'd say he can still taste the venom dripping off your lips. You had stomped away, furious. You secretly wished for Keiji to go after you but he knew you needed to calm down.  _ Did he even love you?  _ Yes he did. Did you?

Koutarou was shocked at the second breakup. He wondered how his best-friend had been handling it. Keiji said his heart ached, yes, but not to the full extent.

"Akaashi, make sure you take care of yourself," Koutarou advised.

"Thank you, Bokuto-san. I promise I won't-"

"And answer my calls this time," He stopped Keiji, "we don't want what happened last time to happen again," Keiji looked up from tying his tennis and stared at Koutarou. He had his lips pressed in a fine line and a stern look on his face. Keiji lifted a brow and stood up properly to meet his eye. Koutarou may have been a dense owl, but he is sure to acknowledge what needs to be said. Keiji gave his senior single nod and went on his way. On his way out of the gym, he saw you. You were standing at the end of the building. His heart and expression softened at your small figure. His heart softened even more when he heard your giggle. Then, his face contorted into a confused expression. He listened closely to what you were laughing at. Or who you were laughing with. Then he heard another voice. He heard another  _ male  _ voice.

"Y/N, why don't you just date someone who is actually useful?" Keiji was livid. Who would even say that to you about him? Are they testing your loyalty? Sure, you're both broken up but still. He knew you like the back of his hand. You wouldn't hurt-

"I don't know," you spewed. Keiji gasped.

"Maybe, I'm just holding on to the closest thing, you know?" you continued, "Keiji is my first love but I don't feel the same way anymore. It was good while it lasted," you finished. Your form disappeared after a few seconds. Keiji felt his heart go numb.

Those measly words that left your lips were etched into his memory. He heard your voice crystal clear. You don't feel the same anymore? How could you not? He still love _ d  _ you. He still wants you in his arms. He still wants to kiss you. He wants to marry you someday. He wants to grow old with you. He wants to cry about you. But he can't. So he just lays in bed, replaying those words over and over.

The next day, you were seated at his desk. Fiddling with your fingers. Keiji didn't even want to see you right now. You? The first thing in the morning? After what he heard? He would rather take Koutarou's yelling than hear what you have to say. Regardless of how he felt, he managed to push his emotions to the side and hear your side of the story.

He placed his bag on his desk and you snapped out of your trance. You gave a tiny smile to him while he just gave you dead eyes. You stood up and fixed your skirt and moved around the table to get a clear look at him. He had bags under his eyes.

"Keiji, are you getting sleep?" you asked rhetorically.

"What is it, Y/N?" he gritted through his teeth. You pouted lightly and sighed.

"Keiji, I miss you,". This managed to catch him off-guard, considering what he heard you say yesterday. His brows lifted and he nodded, as to give you a sign to continue.

"I realize I was being inconsiderate and never gave you a chance to speak up," you explained.

"It took you 2 weeks to figure this out?" he pressed. A small smirk tugged at the corner of his lips. He liked knowing that he had this effect on you. Whereby you'd get pouty and be a spoiled child.

"At least I realized my mistake!" you huffed. You turned around to walk away but he caught your wrist.

"I'm only kidding, come here," he turned you around and brought you to his chest. You inhaled his soft scent and smiled to yourself. Wrapping your arms around his torso, his arms found his way to your lower back. He settled his chin on top of your head and looked straight ahead. Keiji was satisfied you came back to him. He was satisfied you reconciled. He was happy you were in his arms again. What he wasn't happy about, was that he knew his feelings were slowly fading.

That was the second time you and Keiji got back together. Keiji knew there was no going back. No going back to how it was the first time he laid eyes on you. He knows no matter how hard he tries, the feelings won't come back. It hurts him every time he looks at you and you just look so happy. He knows he shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't be leading you on. But you did cause for the breakups. Is this him getting back at you? He would never. Keiji would never play with your heart like that. He would rather be in your position, than to let you feel what he felt.

So when he's holding you in his arms, in his bed, at 6pm, he isn't sure what to feel. He shifts his attention from the television to your relaxed features. How the gods blessed him with such a gorgeous girlfriend, is beyond him. He has his left arm wrapped around your back and placed on your hip. You're laid on his chest, hugging his torso. He sighs ever so lightly and proceeds to say,

"Y/N, who was that guy you were talking to?". He can feel your body stiffen.

"Keiji?" you look up at him with the most doe eyes he's ever seen.

"I heard you talking to a guy, some time ago. You said you were just holding on to the closest thing you had," he explained. You moved your head down, not wanting to face him anymore. You then removed yourself from his body and sat up.

"Keiji, that was a long time ago. It's different now and-"

"Y/N, if you felt like that then, what makes it different from feeling it now?" he was quick to argue. You slouched on his bed and sucked in a deep breath. You slowly exhaled. You knew what was coming. Keiji was next to sit up, still staring daggers into your back.  _ He'll miss you. _

"I love you, Keiji,"  _ Bullshit _ , he thought.  _ You only love the way you control me _ , he thought. He was partially right. You didn't love him. You just loved that he was always there when you wanted to feel whole again. You always retreated back to him when you felt alone and scared. Keiji knew he was an option. Not your rock. It pained him to know that you'll leave when you're ready. It pained him to know that you only come back to him when you need him. Need him for that two cents of attention. Keiji was in pain.

"I really do," you said.

"If you loved me, you wouldn't treat me so horribly," he finally said. You whipped around so fast Keiji thought you'd get whiplash. Your eyes wide and brows lifted.

"Keiji Akaashi, treating you horribly is that  _ LAST  _ thing I'd ever do,". Yet, it was always the first thing you ever managed to accomplish. You spoke up again, "how do you think I felt to be put on the spot like that? Hm? It felt terrible. How do you think I felt during our breakups? You think it's easy being alone at night, crying yourself to sleep? In  _ your  _ shirts and sweaters? To have a constant reminder than everything I did was my fault?! God dammit, Keiji. You have this effect on me where I don't know what I want. I leave when I want to find myself and when I start to, I'm scared to see what I'll find so I go to the closest person I can find! And that person is you, Akaashi!".  _ Akaashi,  _ his last name.

Keiji's eyes were cut at you. His jaw clenched and fists curled up. You think he doesn't know what it's like? To be up at 1am thinking about what he could have done differently? To hold you a little bit closer and kiss you a little bit longer? He felt so insufficient and worthless. Every time you left him, it only added to his self-doubt. He was always sorry he couldn't give you enough. Sorry that he wasn't able to be someone for you to rely on. Now that he's hearing this. After so much time. He was just angry. He was angry you never gave him an explanation. He always felt so empty and dead. You did make him feel bad. It was the first thing you ever did. He didn't want to admit it, but his relationship with you was toxic. By now, he could feel the salty tears running down his cheeks and on to his lips.

"You broke my heart," was all he could muster. There was a deafening silence in his room. Tension so thick that it was suffocating.

"What is this?" you spoke up, scared for the answer.

"What are we really?" you asked barely above a whisper. Keiji moved his gaze from you to his lap. He shut his eyes and let the tears fall. He was exposing his vulnerable side to you. You were seated so perfectly.  _ Facing him, while he was facing forward, his side towards you, and his head lowered. You knew it would come to this. _ You weren't crying. You were just tired. All these unresolved emotions buried within each other was definitely draining.

"Don't shut me out-,"

"I can't pretend anymore," he began. You were taken back by his sudden remark. You started biting your fingernails. Keiji found this new gesture as a sign that you were nervous. You bit around the skin of your nails. The harsh biting hurt but it'll be nothing compared to what you'll be feeling in the future. You gave a shaky sigh before starting.

"Keiji, you're scaring me," you chuckled mockingly, in hopes that what was happening - wasn't happening, "what are you talking about?" God the silence was suffocating.

Keiji shook his head. He needed to get this out before any of you fall back into each other's comfort. "I'm sorry, Y/N, but you just know that we won't work out anymore,".

You froze in your seat. Eyes wide, lips trembling, heart racing. Your eyebrows slowly gravitated towards each other. You swallowed your pride and tried to continue your conversation.

"Keiji," your voice trailed off. Thoughts raced through your head yet, you didn't know what else to say. Your hand reached out to hold his but he immediately pulled his hand back before your fingertips touched his. He flinched subtly, but you saw it clear as day.

You knew it would come to this. Both of you, saying your final goodbyes.

"Y/N, we have been on and off for,"  _ sigh _ , "too long now and I'm tired of pretending to have the same feelings I had in the beginning," he choked on some words but he had to get it out of his system. Each word dripped with pain and agony but also with relief and peace.

"Keiji, we can talk about this, about us. We can-"  _ pathetic _ , you thought. How pathetic can you even be.

"Y/N, I said, that I am  _ tired _ ," he stopped you. He stressed on every word in his sentence. You took in every word. Every word that felt like a punch to your poor, aching heart.

You brought your hand to your chest and held it. You straightened your back and gave a curt nod. This was it.

"I understand that you still love me, but I don't want to keep your hopes up and have you believe that there will be a future for us," he finished. You could feel a lump forming in your throat and tears welling up in your eyes.  _ Finally, you were starting to cry.  _ After so much time, you're finally crying. Crying in front of Keiji.

"I think we've hurt each other enough, Y/N,". You shook your head.

"I hurt you, Keiji," you sniffed, "and God am I so sorry," you choked out. You were a crumbling mess. Until now you're finally feeling the blow. But why until now? Maybe because you realize there's no going back. No going back to Keiji, the one who you always relied on. It's finally settling in. You're finally taking in everything.  _ A little too late, Y/N. _

Now the tables have turned. Here you are, chest heaving, heart breaking, in front of Keiji. Except, he isn't looking at you. He respects your vulnerability. You know he won't look unless you're comfortable with it. You were. You want him to hug you and tell you he takes it back. But this is reality. His feelings for you are no longer there. This time, you're the one breaking. Not him. This isn't him in the boys' bathroom crying anymore. This is you. In his room, crying.

You look up to him, but his head is still lowered. You're not sure how he feels but you do know that it's for the best. You stand up, fixing your posture. Your body is screaming to be held by him, while his body is just slouching. Body hunched, shoulders stiff as ever, hands in his lap. Similar to when you saw him in the bathroom. You opened your mouth to speak again, but quickly closed it shut. There's nothing that can change the situation you're in. Keiji no longer loves you. But you still love him. Here you are, standing in the middle of his room while he's hunched over on his bed. All you can do is try to accommodate the situation. Try to tell yourself it's going to be okay. Try to come to terms with his feelings, no matter how much it hurts.

You're not sure how it ended up like this, but you and Keiji are finished. _Finished_ _for good._ Your love for him will never cease to exist. He was your first boyfriend and your first real love. You know he will never love you again, the way he did initially. All you can do is accept that fact and try to move on. It's hard. Everything got more and more difficult as the days went by. You're positive that Keiji doesn't love you anymore. Especially when flower petals sit in the palm of your hand.

**Author's Note:**

> At least you can preserve the petals.


End file.
